A Love Story 1
Christopher Moore
The Emperor is out with his two dogs, Bummer (Boston Terrier) and Lazarus (golden Retriever), and he urinates on a dumpster. A vampire pops out of the dumpster saying he will let him live as punishment. The Emperor continues on his way contemplating how the plague is taking over the city. Jody is walking home from work when she is grabbed by her red, frizzy hair. Her briefcase goes flying and a hand goes over her mouth as she is dragged into an alley. There is a sharp pain in her neck and then her attacker makes her drink his blood from his arm. He leaves her with something he says she will need before he leaves her to die.
Jody wakes up still in the alley with the dumpster over her. She wakes up and pushes it off and goes to call 9-1-1. She finds a large wad of cash in her shirt and goes back to the alley to find a bag for it. She calls the police as she examines her burnt hand, which seems to be healing. She decides against involving the police and accidentally destroys the phone when she hangs up. She finds another pay phone and tries to place a collect call to her boyfriend, Kurt, who she has been living with for a month. However, he screens his calls and it goes to the answering machine. She destroys that phone on purpose and gets on the bus. She is a bit overwhelmed by her heightened senses as she deals with the crazy people and tourists. She sets off one lady on purpose to annoy the others on the bus before getting off on her stop.
When she makes it to her apartment building, she sees someone without a heat signature behind a tree. She quickly buzzes Kurt and he lets her in. He is mad that she has been gone for two days, even after she tells him she was attacked. He starts complaining about how it was inconvenient for him. Jody takes a potted plant and throws it at his head. She starts licking the blood of the unconscious man until she ends up biting his neck. Afterwards, Kurt is still breathing, so Jody goes to take a shower. She cries and is reminded of when she grieved for the loss of her virginity. She gets dressed and checks on Kurt, who is still alive. Realizing that she is a vampire, Jody grabs what she needs and leaves. Her car has been towed so she goes to the closest motel and gets a room for two days. She passes out before she has a chance to figure out what she needs to do next.
Tommy know from a young age that he wanted to be a writer. His father wasn’t happy about it and told his friends that his son was a sissy. One of his friends told him to send him to the city to starve because that is what writers do. Tommy decides to go to San Francisco, but when he arrives, his car explodes. Mr. Wong offers him a place to stay for $50 a week. Tommy ends up sharing a room with five other men, also named Wong. He finds it strange that someone has been leaving him flowers on his bed, but just uses them to make the place nicer. After a week of being unemployed, he sets out to find a job. He sees an old man use his dogs’ leashes to trip a man on rollerblades. The young man apologizes to the Emperor. Tommy introduces himself to the old man and his dogs. The Emperor says he may have a lead on a job. He also says that the flowers are being left by a vampire florist.
Jody wakes up and doesn’t quite know how to handle being a vampire. She can hear people in the rooms around her. She goes to the bathroom and tries to drink water, but throws it up immediately. She decides to check on Kurt, but when she gets near the apartment, she hears him bad-mouthing her. She decides that she needs a man to live with that can go out int he daytime. She returns to the hotel thinking about what she would do if she were still human. She realizes she doesn’t know much about being a vampire and wonders why she was purposely turned. The phone rings and a man on the other end tells her she can still be killed. She grabs her bag of money and leaves.
Tommy starts his first day as third-shift manager at a grocery store called Marina Safeway. Simon (tough guy in a cowboy hat) introduces him around. The crew is worried that the new guy is going to try to make them shape up (the rest of the employees refer to them as “the Animals”). Tommy asks Simon if he bowls and they discuss their preferred turkey-balls. Clint (born again Christian) sets up the detergent pins and Tommy bowls a strike. Simon bowls next, but his turkey goes through the meat freezer and causes electrical issues. They take a break outside and see a girl walking. Simon approaches her and won’t let her leave after expressing her lack of interest. Tommy gets him to back off and then speaks to her. He says she is beautiful and then turns to go back to work. Jody asks him to meet her after sunset the next day. Simon is mad.
It takes Tommy a while to convince the rest of the crew to get back to work, but they eventually do. When their shift ends, he tells the next manager his crew was great. Troy Lee goes back to Tommy’s place with him to ask the Wongs questions about the flowers that have been left for Tommy. Troy explains they heard that men marry men in San Francisco and have been trying to court him. After Troy leaves, Tommy spends the rest of the day avoiding them. That evening, he makes his way to the restaurant where he is supposed to meet Jody. He reserves a table and heads down the street to a bookstore. He notices he is the only polite person answering strip club barkers and homeless people’s pleas and admits he will have to learn city manners. Back at the restaurant, the waiter gives him instructions for the date. Jody wakes up at sunset and rushes to get ready for the date. She bribes GAP employees to dress her and then arrives. She and Tommy start talking about their living situations.
Tommy notices that Jody isn’t eating and asks if she is going to break his heart.
Jody warns Tommy that she is going to be forward, and he thinks she is going to turn him down. She asks him to live with her. He is taken by surprise. Jody pays and they take a walk. She tells him she is very busy during the day and needs someone to do things for her. She sees some men up ahead and notices one of them doesn’t give off heat. She makes Tommy cross the street to avoid them. The man without heat laughs at her because he knows she could crush the human men. He is impressed with how Jody is dealing with being a vampire and is glad he left her hand in the sunlight as a hint. Many fledglings don’t last very long. He is surprised Jody already has a servant.
Tommy is confused about Jody’s intentions. He puts his arm around her because she feels cold. She realizes that she doesn’t have a heat signature because she is a vampire, just like the man she saw earlier. She tells Tommy what she needs from him and tries to be honest. As she explains, he cuts her off and asks if she is a man, Jody takes offense. She tells him a room will be waiting for him at her hotel and papers for her car will be waiting in the lobby. She has a cab drop him off at work. Jody realizes the papers for her car are still in Kurt’s apartment. She scales a couple walls between the two buildings and goes in his bedroom window. She sees he already has a new girlfriend. Jody is bitter at first, but then realizes she is better than them. She grabs her paperwork and leaves.
The Animals all mock Tommy when he arrives at work. They give him bridal magazines and hum the wedding march. He sets everyone to task and then goes to the office to research women in magazines. He decides they are all crazy. Jody calls to let him know where to go in the morning to start his chores. He hangs up and finds the animals having a luau, using the floor polisher for skiing. Their cookout sets off the fire alarms and Tommy goes outside to meet the fire department. he sees a man in the shadows run away impossibly fast as the fire truck appears with lights flashing.
After work, Tommy makes his way to the hotel. There are police there and caution tape in the lobby. The clerk gives him his key and tells him a local woman and her dog were found dead in the dumpster. Tommy goes to his room and finds instructions and money from Jody. He steps out of his room and trips over a body bag. The man tells him that the woman they found was drained of blood. Tommy goes to a coffee shop to think. A fortune teller, Madame Natasha (who is a man), comes in and Tommy pays for a reading. The death card appears in the relationship slot on all three attempts of the tarot cards, indicating he is screwed and his writing career doesn’t have a bright outlook either. He tries reading Tommy’s hand and says he will find an apartment. Tommy leaves.
Tommy gets his things from Wong’s house and makes his way to the Pyramid to pick up Jody’s last paycheck from her former job. He sits on a bench to rest. The Emperor sits by him and says that the fancy looking people around them are all slaves to lives where they cannot be creative. Several people acknowledge him and one woman gives him money and a recommendation for lunch. Tommy feels better and asks the receptionist to let him in. She lets him in because the Emperor seems to have taken a liking to him. Tommy waits in a lobby, doing whatever he can to occupy himself. When he is sent into another lobby and ignored, he pulls out his typewriter. The receptionist finally acknowledges him because of the noise. He reads her what he wrote and she gives him Jody’s last check. Tommy then makes his way to meet the realtor who is going to show him a furnished loft. He loves it the moment he walks in. He looks in the bedroom and there are no windows, as Jody instructed. Tommy offers her the $4,000 Jody left him and the relator allows him to skip the application process.
Jody wakes up in the shower at sunrise. She realizes that not only does she wake up instantly, she falls asleep instantly at sunset as well. She meets Tommy in the lobby and they take a cab to the loft. Jody is all over him on the ride there. When they arrive, Tommy starts to show her around, but Jody drags him to the bedroom and undresses him. She bites him while they have sex. When they are done, Tommy wants to go again. Jody tells him she is a vampire. She has to show him several things to make him believe. He is impressed and excited about it.
After getting dressed, Tommy empties the pockets from the pair of jeans Jody destroyed. He finds the officer’s card that he talked to and tells Jody they want her to call. He suddenly realizes that the woman and dog were missing blood and freaks out. He tries to hide in the bathroom, but Jody rips the door down and tells him it wasn’t her. She takes him out for food and tells him everything. He wonders why he doesn’t have a neck wound. He has her put his finger in her mouth and his split cuticles are instantly healed. He tells her that he thinks the other vampire was at the store parking lot the previous night.
When they return to the apartment, Jody stops Tommy from giving a bum a dollar because she can see he doesn’t have a heat signature. Tommy is already asleep by the time she gets to bed. when he wakes up around noon, he tries to wake up Jody, but is unable. When Jody does wake up at sunset, Tommy has a thermometer in her mouth and an electric blanket over her. He has been reading vampire books and wants to determine what is fact or fiction. They already know she can enter places without an invitation and doesn’t have to sleep in a coffin. Tommy asks a few more questions before they go to take a shower together.
Tommy goes to work the next night and Troy tells him their scanners aren’t working so they will have to do everything by hand. Simon is worried everyone will learn he can’t read. Tommy covers fro him and does everyone’s paperwork. Jody sees the bum is still outside. Thinking it is a vampire, she approaches it and finds a corpse. The vampire grabs her from behind and she bites off two of his fingers. He lets her go and she swallows them. He doesn’t give her any information and flees before sunrise. Jody, not wanting to attract the police, takes the dead bum inside. Tommy can smell the body when he gets home from work. Jody left him instructions to get a chest freezer from Sears and says she will explain when she wakes up.
Tommy goes to Sears, gets the freezer, and has it delivered. Later that night, Jody tells him she intends to store the bum in the freezer until she can figure out what to do. She asks Tommy to do her laundry, but he refuses to do that or eat bugs. He is worried he won’t have any time to write. After Tommy leaves for work, Jody sets out for a laundromat. She runs into the Emperor right outside the loft. He tells her it isn’t safe around there at night. He saw a vampire kill his friend a few nights ago. Jody waits until he is gone before setting out again. On her way, a man pops out of a doorway to hit on her. She brushes him off and keeps walking. Later, while watching her laundry in the dryer, the man comes in with two friends (dressed in Raider’s garb). They grab Jody and she easily fends them off. She leaves with a cheer for the 49ers.
Tommy starts out talking to himself when he comes home in the mornings. Eventually, he starts talking to Peary (the bum in the freezer). When Jody wakes up (and sometimes before), Tommy has her experiment to see what vampiric abilities she has. They find out that she cannot transform into animals or mist, levitate, or read minds. Tommy wants to safely test her mortality, so he fills the bathtub with ice water. He tells Jody that he can resuscitate her if necessary. SHe holds her breath for four minutes on the first attempt. Next, she lets her lungs full up with water and waits ten minutes. She is fine after each. Tommy asks if Jody is going to leave him when he gets old or stay and resent him. Jody hasn’t thought that far ahead and says so. She explains all the things she has to give up because of her transformation.
Inspector Alphonse Rivera and his partner Cavuto are trying to figure out who is behind the death of people with blood loss and no wounds (both victims were found to have terminal illnesses). They go to visit one of the men that Jody beat up at the laundromat. All three men have different stories about what happened. Eventually Cavuto writes on the cast of one of them (thanking him for being a snitch) and says he won’t scratch out the “thank you” until he tells him the truth. Jody walks around at night wishing she could talk to someone about all the interesting things she sees. she hides when see sees a sick man walking towards her. Philly is walking down the street depressed. He recently watched his lover die and the doctors say he will go the same way eventually. When he sees Jody, he asks if she is the angel of death. She says she is and holds out her arms to him.
After work, Tommy has a few beers with the Animals in the parking lot. Simon shoots birds away from his truck while they talk about the new cashier. Jody is surprised when Philly’s body turns to dust. She starts making her way home before the sun rises, but gets caught in an alley when she sees the police near the loft. She tries to sneak into a barred basement window, but ends up getting pulled in. The cops have the coroner take away the body they found. They have no clues as to how he died, but they find a book under his body. Tommy buys two large snapping turtles in Chinatown and has Simon drive him home. They find their way blocked by the police. Tommy recognizes the book they found.
Jody wakes up alone in the basement. The Emperor is in the alley and helps her out. Tommy doesn’t know whether he is relieved or angry when she gets home. He spent the whole day trying to distract himself from worrying (teaching Simon to read, Jody’s mom calls, reading the Vampire LaStat). Jody explains what happened and then goes to shower. She finds the turtles in the tub and Tommy explains they (Scott and Zelda) are another source of blood for her. She isn’t impressed with them and Tommy starts to move them out of the bathtub for her. The phone rings and Jody goes to answer.
Jody’s mom is in town and will be coming over to visit. She warns Tommy that her mom has always been disapproving of everything she does. Upon her arrival, Mrs. Stroud immediately starts judging Tommy and the loft. Jody eventually gets fed up and lets Scott (one of the turtles) bite her. He eats the shoe off her foot and her mom is insistent on leaving. Jody gives her an old pair of sneakers and sends her off in a cab. She laughs hysterically at how the whole situation went.
The Emperor lies on the beach thinking about how they still haven’t found the vampire fiend. He knows they must rest during the day so they can continue to hunt at night. Tommy is woken up early in the morning by the Animals banging on his door. He lets them in and Simon immediately goes to the bedroom to try to wake up Jody. Tommy tries to keep them out. That night when Jody wakes up, she finds a mess throughout the loft and Tommy asleep on the couch. She wakes him up and takes him to the sink to vomit several times. She realizes that some of the half full whiskey glasses are watered down by melted ice. She asks Tommy if anyone was in the freezer or bedroom. He admits both. Jody is so angry that she leaves before she hurts him.
Tommy starts cleaning up his mess and is furious with Jody. He decides that he will set the turtles loose in the park, but a neighbor offers to take them. Tommy goes to work early to get out of the apartment and ends up talking to Mara (new cashier). She is new in town (escaping a bad home life) and Tommy offers to show her around. Jody finds herself at Macy’s. She messes with the sales woman and purchases a little black dress. She goes to the makeup counter next. As she goes to change into her new outfit, she hears the two sales people talking about her behind her back.
Someone down at the docks offered the Emperor a bath and he and the men (dogs) accepted. Back on the dock, Bummer looks around for something dead to roll around in. He finds a fog cloud floating up to shore. The Emperor knows it is not normal and runs to get his sword. The fog turns into a man. Drew, one of the animals, hands out remedies for everyone’s hangovers. Suddenly, there is a banging at the door. Tommy lets the Emperor in and takes him to the break room to talk. He says the vampire turned from mist and is coming for him. Jody, in her new outfit, hits the town. A bum won’t leave her alone, so she trades him her purse for a free newspaper. She goes into line to get into a club, but the door man calls her to go in. A man grabs her, begging to act as her date to get in, and Jody turns to see it is Kurt. She refuses and makes her way inside. A drunk at the bar tires to talk to her. The vampire comes up to her, scares the man away, and tells Jody that she will have to leave the human world behind. He leaves and Jody decides to follow. She catches up to him and ask shim to leave Tommy alone if she agrees to his terms, but he says Tommy knows too much. She asks if he pulled her into the basement window to save her. He denies it and says he will kill her if she tries to follow him.
Jody finds an ad in the paper for a vampire support group and decides to check it out. Everyone there is human so she leaves. A pay-phone outside starts to ring and she answers it. A medical student is on the line and tells her he examined the body of one of the victims. He thinks he can reverse the vampirism. Jody is skeptical but agrees to meet him the next night. Eight hundred year old Elijah Ben Sapir stands on top of the Golden Gate Bridge. He decides to dive off one of the towers and tries to not change into mist before he hits the water. He has been lonely for a long time and has created several fledglings that didn’t make it. He wonders if Jody will be the one that does. He regrets saving her from the sunlight, thinking he has gone soft.
After a long night at work, Tommy goes home wondering how he will show Mara around the city without making Jody angry. His neighbor shows him one of the turtles he gave him covered with metal to make a statue. He gives it to Tommy, who is horrified, and then decides to go home and get some sleep. He finds a note from Jody telling him he could be in danger and not to leave the loft. He decides to put her in the freezer with his instant dinners so that she won’t wake up until he thaws her out. A few hours later, Tommy is arrested for abandoning a car on the street. Rivera and Cavuto start asking him about the two bodies in the freezer and his prints on the book they found underneath another victim. He gives Rivera the whole story, who decides they need to talk to the Emperor (also been talking about vampires).
JOdy wakes up in the morgue to the mortician, Gilbert, trying to rape her. He dies of a heart attack when she starts to get up. Jody realizes she woke up late (1 am) and calls the Marina Safeway to make sure Tommy is okay. Simon answers and says he will come get her. When they are a bit down the road, Simon pulls a gun on her and tells her to turn him into a vampire because he is dying of AIDS.. She tries to explain that she doesn’t know how, but he doesn’t believe her. She goes to push him away and snaps his neck. Rivera takes Cavuto to talk to the Emperor. Cavuto thinks the old man is crazy and goes to the car. The Emperor tells Rivera that Tommy gave him sanctuary. Cavuto calls to Rivera about Simon’s death, saying there is a witness. Rivera asks the Emperor to call him the next day. As they head out to the scene, another call comes in about Gilbert.
River and Cavuto are at the coroner’s office and find Gilbert dead of a heart attack. They tell the other doctor to let them know what they find out from the body after an autopsy. They recheck Simon for wounds they both saw but are now mysteriously missing. Rivera finds a woman’s gravy footprint on the floor. Tommy sits in his cell with a large man covered in Disney tattoos (he assaulted a Disney representative in front of his children when the rep called his tattoos copyright infringement). Rivera and Cavuto come to get Tommy. After the accident, Jody pumped Simon’s heart while she sucked his blood and then returned to the loft to collect what she can. She finds Tommy there.
Tommy and Jody apologize and explain what happened to each of them. Jody lies and makes her story sound like the other vampire was responsible for everything. They shower and sleep together, not waking up until the next night. Jody sends Tommy off in a cab, knowing the cops are outside watching. Tommy is approached by the Emperor, who asks to share his cab. They get in and leave. Rivera stays behind to watch Jody while Cavuto follows them in the car. Elijah is on the roof watching Rivera.
Tommy and Troy convince all the Animals to go after the vampire for revenge. The Emperor points out that Bummer makes a fuss when he is near vampires. After their shift everyone goes to get their weapons and meets back up. The Emperor takes them to a yacht club that hosts the large boat he saw the vampire emerge from as fog. After Cavuto calls the club guard to tell them to let the Animals in, they try to find a way to the boat. Drew pushes Jeff in the water so they can borrow a raft to save him. They use the boat to get to the yacht.
The Animals search the boat, but cannot find the vampire. Tommy decides to let Bummer loose and he takes them to the engine room. Tommy uses one of Troy’s swords to pry up the steel floor. There is a secret compartment below. The ship is automated and has sent alerts that there are intruders to Elijah for when he wakes up. Drew sends Troy and Jeff back to shore to get supplies to explode the door guarding the vampire. Cavuto calls the marina and tells them to let the Animals do anything. He asks about the ship they boarded. The man tells him it came in two days before the first murder. Rivera waits for Jody to wake up. When Troy and Jeff return, Drew starts mixing. It is officially dark.
Jody wakes up to find Tommy gone and doesn’t know what to do. Eventually, she goes to Rivera and threatens him until he agrees to take her to Tommy. Elijah starts the engines. The Animals flee the yacht in preparation of Drew’s explosion. Tommy and Drew are the last two back to the raft with the last of the art they are stealing from the vampire. They are a good distance away when the ship explodes. Cavuto is waiting from them at the dock. The vampire is hurt, but able to make his way out of the ship. He attacks Cavuto and the Animals help the Inspector Tommy is about to kill the vampire when Jody stops him. She explains he only killed terminally ill people and Cavuto confirms her claims. She tells the cops that if they don’t leave Elijah and the Animals alone, they will come back to San Francisco. Tommy drives them while Jody explains she loves Tommy, but needs Elijah.
The Animals sell the art they stole from the yacht (sharing with the inspectors). The Emperor refuses to take more than enough for a meal. Tommy uses his neighbor’s bronzing technique to cover Jody and Elijah with metal until he can figure out what to do. Jody turns into mist, escapes the bronze through the ear holes he drilled her, and reforms in front of Tommy. She explains she needed Elijah to explain how to do certain things. She wants to be with Tommy. She tells him to hang up the phone on the medical student, Steve, that wants to cure her. She indicates she wants to turn Tommy now that she knows how.