Catherynne Valente
EARTH
1. Enrico Fermi is from Italy was raised by an overprotective family. He invented an atomic bomb. While the humans thought that life was to complicated to be able to exist anywhere else, life was thriving all over the place very easily. When Enrico was walking to lunch with his friends from the Los Alamos National Laboratory, he looked up at the sky and fathomed the blueness of it while an interstellar war was being waged.
2. Danesh Jalo (aka Decibel Jones, aka Dess) fronts a glam rock band called Decibel Jones and the Absolute Zeros. They are a one-hit wonder in the music industry. The band members - Decibel, Mira Wonderful Star, and Oort - but distracted by other things in life. Their second album had horrible reviews. Everything adds up. Mira, ends up dying in a car crash. Oort gets a woman pregnant. They were never able to get serious. Decibel Jones pretends he is still twenty as he struggles through the mediocrity of middle age. He doesn’t even expect he has started the story of Decibel Jones and the Sudden and Conspicuous Conquest of Earthy by Space Flamingos.
3. Dess has always liked the alien sci-fi movies. His grandma argued that she liked Looney Tunes and they were more realistic than aliens because she could go outside and see a bunny. One hung over morning, Dess discussed aliens with Mira and Oort. Mira thought it was unlikely that aliens would come to their planet to be mindless killing machines. She thought it was impossible that some nerdy aliens were working on space travel and other such sciences just to send the jocks out to kill other species. When the aliens to come, Less is just waking up hungover from a particularly rough night. The blue flamingo-fish-like create uses voices from his past to try to soothe him into listening. Dess weeps like all humans do upon first meeting the new comers. It tells him 64% of the planet has already excepted their arrival and he needs to get going. Its name is Altonaut Who Runs Faster Than Wisdom Along the Milk Road and the time for humanity’s ignorance is over. Dess asks for a few minutes to get himself together and his mind around what is going on. He thinks about how the creature looks like the Road Runner and thinks his grandma was right. He throws up.
4. All over the world, the bird-like aliens from Bataqliq called Esca are explaining what they are doing on Earth. They have been observing and they don’t really like what they see. Rather than just wiping out the humans, they are giving them a chance to show the universe they are worth something. There is a music competition and to survive, the humans have to not come in last place against the other sentient species (though the aliens argue they aren’t really all that sentient with all the pointless violence). Someone asks the last time a new species won. Altonaut admits a new species has never one, but have avoided obliteration, such as its own species. It starts listing off artists they believe would give the humans the best chance, but most of them are some sort of combination of dead or awful (Yoko Ono, Skrillex, Bjork, ICP, Spice Girls, etc.) at the bottom of the list is Decibel Jones.
5. The first gig for Decibel Jones and the Absolute Zeros was in at an Open Mic session in the middle of the day at a place called Hope and Ruin. They had an original song and a cover of War Pigs ready to go. Once up on the stage, looking out over the lack of crowd, Dess starts to get self-conscious. He feels odd in his outfit that he knows would normally get him picked on or beat up. He thinks about how his Ninny didn’t really listen to him singing and the first time he showed her Decibel Jones, she made a joke about him making art on himself. He starts to become afraid of letting his bandmates down. They have never seen him as anything else but Decibel Jones. Mira yells out like there is a full crowd and starts up a rhythm on the drums. Oort joins in and then Dess starts singing.
6. The rules for the competition are laid out. Every species must compete every year with a new song. Traditional dress and special effects are encouraged. Judging will be by audience vote (though no one can vote for their own species) and a panal. If a new species comes in last, the planet is quarentined for 50k years to allow resource extraction. The species is killed off and the plant it left to start over. If a previously competing species comes in last, they must go back and think about what they did and promise to never to do it again. The winner must host the next year’s competition. If the species representative is a no-show, they are disqualified and come in dead-last.
7. While most of Earth finds this competition to be barbaric, Dess thinks it makes perfect sense. He doesn’t think he is the one that could save the world. The Esca talks about when its species was born and looked up into the sun Dess would call Mira Wonderful Star. Dess thinks Mira would have been perfect for the job. It walks across the room and puts its beak to Dess’ forehead like a kiss that makes him feel and reminds him that was how he used to connect to people. Soon after, he is accepting the job and ready to travel to space to Bataqliq to compete against other species.
WATER
8. As Dess is walking out of his apartment to go to parliament, he is surrounded by men that want to take him somewhere to talk to different groups of world leaders. He ends up in a limo and taken to a room to meet with the people, Mr. Brown and Mr. Price, that will discuss his involvement with the aliens. In the middle of the discussion in the car, the Esca arrives using the queen’s voice. They point out Dess’ flaws and how he is embarrassingly gender fluid. The Escra tells them that was part of the reason they chose him. Their own species has four genders (male, female, fugue and clef) that take part in recreating life. The preferred English pronoun it prefers is “she” — because it also includes “he” — but is actually a clef. She asks Dess what he identifies as and he says the same as her. The group of important men argue that they would prefer to pick who represents their species, but she tells them they are trying to help by not allowing them to make the choice. Dess is a bit worried about if he is the right person for the challenge. The Esca tells him thousands of lightyears away, there is a balloon filled with conscious gas that knows all the words to one of his songs. He says he needs his band and his coat. She tells him the coat is not an emergency, but they have already planned for his band to join him. Dess and the Esca disappear in a puff of magenta smoke.
9. The first Metagalactic Grand Prix was hosted by the Elakhon — the oldest functioning civillization in the galaxy ruled by Musmar the Night Manager— on their planet Sagrada because they had stayed neutral in the Sentient Wars. Sagrada is so dark that it is barely visible. For a long time, species would dumping anything they need to hide on the planet. The Elakhon used this information to advance their technology and establish dominance. Rather than telling everyone to stop, they decided to become archivers. The Alunizar ultra tenor girl group, Glagol Jsmem and he Death of all That Came Before, won the first Metagalactic Grand Prix. Alunizars bud from their mother or father’s back or stomach and never leave home. They’re song “Maybe We’ll Just Stay in Tonight Instead of Doing the Whole Intergalactic Civil War Thing, WOuldn’t That Be Nice” was sung in 5,000 part harmony by their entire genetic line. In the middle of their dance, there was a brilliant light and Glagol Jsem phased into a different dimension.
10. Oort moved to England as a boy and his father told him not to stand out; blending in is how they survived. He would beg his parents for instruments and loved them all. As he got older he would go home with strangers to find a connection with other musicians. He and Justine were very careful, but still had two surprise babies. Their marriage has been on the rocks and they have Tuesday night therapy every week after each of them had an affair. Oort drinks himself to sleep, so they is how the Esca communicates with him: in his dreams. She tells Oort his talents are needed.
11. The Alinizar claim to have invented wormholes and collect tolls and taxes on their use. However, they are actually a species that are so large, no one can see the whole animal-like creature. They are so dark, they can only be seen when they sleep with their mouths open. One day, one yawns and the other species can see into the other end of the universe, including Earth. Each species saw their opportunity to expand and the war started.
12. The Esca arrives at Oort’s place with Dess. She uses what she can find to create a ship that can travel through space quickly. She says it is much easier to grow one than to build one, as most of the other civiliazations have already discovered. She puts a few things together and they watch it grow quickly devouring Oort’s belongings. Once it is ready, the Esca, Dess, Oort and his cat Capo leave the planet.
13. The universe’s definition of sentience is very different from what humans have thought it to mean. The species must have empathy accompanied by soul.
AIR
14. Foguenar Corecannon was a Yurtmak (violent, carnivorous species that kills its parents) that wrote a children’s book called Unkillable Facts with the intent of killing the enemy: stupidity. The first unkillable fact is “life is beautiful and life is stupid.” The second is “For everything that exists, somewhere in the universe, there is a creature that eats it, breaths it, fucks it, wears it, secretes, perspires, exhales, or excretes it.” The pages have flashes of beautiful pain to engrain the lessons clearly into the children. Earth does not have the benefit of its inhabitants growing up reading this book.
15. The roadrunner (as Dess calls it) gives them some mushrooms and a caffeinated drink. They are both reluctant at first out of habit. The Esca uses their old manager’s voice to tell them it is to help them be able to live on other planets as well as understand different languages. When she changes her voice to sound like Mira, Oort asks her not to do that. He wants the Esca to be herself. Oort tends to go with the flow and doesn’t really resist much of what is going on. He doesn’t think the situation calls for them to be at ease, so it feels odd that she is trying to calm them. She agrees to be herself.
16. The first year the Yurtmak competed, no one was expecting much from them. Their musician, Iatagan, chose to use her mate’s skeleton as her instrument instrument. At the end of the song, she set herself on fire and smiled while she burned to death. She was able to save their species because the Utorak phoned in their entry that year and came in last. This lead to the universe being able to have Foguenar Corecannon’s Unkillable Facts.
17. Oo the time traveling red panda looking is not happy Al did not bring back Yoko Uno. Dess is confused about the Roadrunner being called Al. She tells him it is insensitive to call him the Roadrunner, but Oo likes the nickname. The Roadrunner explains Yoko Uno died and she brought what was left of Decibel Jones and the Absolute Zeros. Oo gives them a bit of a tour. The engine room is two people in a Victorian style bedroom having sex, which happens to be the most efficient type of engine. The Paradox box uses a properly sized paradox to tear at the cosmos and propel them. They are provided with everything they need to write the song that will save their species - a replication of their first recording studio if it had been overtaken by the sea. Capo is upset he doesn’t have any of her toys. This is the last straw for Oort. He is clearly upset and asks the Roadrunner if this is all a joke to introduce them to other species. Dess tries to intervene to calm his anxieties and hype him up to write the song. He promises he will see his daughters again. When Oort agrees to start, Dess admits he lied about hearing the song they needed.
18. As they travel through space, Dess and Oort spend a lot of time fighting. They have decided to piece together some of the greatest songs to make their own. Oort is still upset that Dess always had to be the center of attention and have things his way. He didn’t care what Mira and Oort wanted. When Dess tries to apologize, Oort says he never has forgiven him for telling Mira he wouldn’t marry her and letting her leave to drive and clear her head (which ultimately lead the the accident that killed her). Oort goes off with Capo and Oo joins them. Oort starts to sing a bit of a Yoko Uno song, but Oo tells him he needs to include the screaming bits. When Oort tells him he’s not that kind of singer, Oo tells him he has seen all of their possible future interactions and he will do the screaming parts wonderfully. Capo is not happy about the interspecies relationship Dess and the Roadrunner are having. The Roadrunner tells Dess they are like acquaintances with benefits for now. The next morning, when Oort wakes up, Dess has been doing some research and shows Oort previous performances (including the Roadrunner’s) from past Grand Prix. A few songs in and they are both weeping.
19. The 29th Grand Prix on Fenek was the first time a species sang for their life and lost. The Voorpret took over the planet as a zombie virus. There is a 99% fatality rate and they infect bodies and kill them and animate the body. Most thought the Voorpret species would fall into the “meat” rather than “sentient” category, but they made very good products. Eventually, they agreed to only infest the willing or recently dead. Their performances were difficult because their hosts were rotting. So they would infest and vibrate the tune and lay their eggs in the listeners, which would leave unobtrusively when ready. Muntun was home to the Flus, a hive mind, cloned species. They also competed to prove sentience. When Flus didn’t feel the need for the glitter and spectical the rest of the species used. It was the only song the Flus had, so it was the only song Flus knew. At the end, he didn’t understand why everyone was quiet. The Alunizar gunship came down to end the species.
20. Dess asks Oo about his time traveling and Oo is offending because it is like asking a human about their sex organs. Dess asks where he went wrong in the past and what would have allowed him to keep it all together. Oo asks him what if he had.
FIRE
21. The Kalvaret group Suns ’n Roses is a usually high ranking band from Litost. When Dess steps off the ship, one of the Kalvaret resembling a rosebush fires at them and burns up the ground and Dess’ shoe. He is upset someone tried to kill him, but the Roadrunner explains it is encouraged (rule 20).
22. Everything changed at the 30th Grand Prix. The Lummutis are constantly playing a live massive multiplayer game only they know the rules to. They are very tiny but are able to project an image of themselves up to about a kilometer away. They originally looked like them, but they quickly improved them to make them look appealing to others. To make sure their own species didn’t come in last, they took the liquid goo that made up the supergroup Us, put them in a bottle and corked. They were eventually able to brake out of the bottles and brought the issue to the Oversight Committee. The Lummutis pointed out they didn’t kill them when they could have. The next year was chaos of species trying to keep other species from performing. Rule 20 was implemented stating if a species doesn’t show up, they are disqualified, ranked last, and their share of communal galactic Resources forfeited for the year.
23. Dess and Oort are skeptical about using the portable toilet looking contraption called a Frockade that is meant to put them into their costumes that really fit their personalities. The Roadrunner goes first and sings. She disappears and Oort goes next. Dess steps in and sings as well.
24. The Frockade transports Dess to a party in his new clothes. He reaches for his phone out of habit to take a picture, but it isn’t there. He loves the clothes and how they feel like they are a part of him. A Keshet comes at him slowly calling for brains. An Alunizar named Sleeke^5 (offspring bud from them and don’t really leave) looks down on Dess and thinks poorly of him. Dess snaps into afterparty mode and hurls the subtle insults back at the competition. When the Keshet reaches them, he warns Dess that Sleeke^5 tried to poison his drink. Dess casually drops it on the ground. A tough, mountainous creature called a Utorak comes to shake his hand and attempts to break it. Dess tells him he has got the wrong man because he doesn’t play an instrument; breaking his hand won’t keep him from performing. Oort still hasn’t arrived, but Dess thinks that is normal for him to be late. The Keshet’s body is decomposing and wants to take over Dess’ body. A Lummuti avatar called Klloshar Avatar 9 asks Dess if he would like to buy a weapon. While he feels he needs one, he doesn’t have any money. A minty drink it thrown on the Keshet and it backs off. Klloshar Avatar 9 hits the Utorak in the knee with her nailbat. Oort finally shows up in a neat, but ordinary suit. Capo arrives with him and thinks it is the worst animal shelter she has ever been in.
25. A creature called a 321 comes to Dess and Oort looking like Clippy, the guide for virtual assistance for Microsoft from the 1990s and asks if they need help. Oort is at his breaking point and rudely tells him to leave them alone. It explains how they are the only species who will try to help them through the process instead of trying to kill them. The humans are one of the only species that doesn’t have any built in defenses. Oort is a bit surprised to learn others have already tried to kill Dess. Clippy goes on to explain they will be put into a human like hotel room to give them a sense of comfort for what could possibly be the last night for their entire species. Oort thinks the whole ordeal is barbaric. Another Alien, Nessuno Uuf, approaches them and tries to make herself seem unimportant, but Clippy explains she is one of the most successful recording artists anywhere. She continues her modest routine and points out they made lions go extinct on their own planet just because they were a threat. They didn’t bother to see if they were sentient before wiping them all out.
26. Back on Earth, the humans are doing what they can to keep themselves calm while waiting the sixteen days between the appearance of the blue flamingo and when Dess and Oort will perform for their species. They tune into the alien television and are able to watch past performances. Some people upload their own songs saying they can save the world. Some panic while others go about what might be the rest of their short lives.
27. Dess goes to the hotel bar. The Yurtmak bartender, Yilgar Bloodtub, asks him what he wants, but Dess tells him he doesn’t have anything to pay for it. A glowing elephant buys him a drink and has no intent to kill him because she is the last of her species. Dess accepts the drink, but they don’t have any alcohol he can drink. He gets frustrated and offends Yilgar. Dess apologizes and asks if there is anything he can drink. The Yilgar serves him tea. Nessuno comes up to Dess to let him know she has a lot of pull in the voting and can help him go his way for a price (possibly India). Dess declines the offer. Nessuno thinks he is very confident in his song, but Dess admits he doesn’t have anything good. Nessuno is impressed with his self-deprecating speech and asks him if they should go to his place or hers.
28. Oort wanders the veranda. He thinks about cords and how he wishes he brought cigarettes. An Elakh alien (looking like a basketball on a traffic cone) comes to tell him to be careful because the atmosphere chemically tends to make people happy. He offers Oort a cigarette and Oort accepts. He introduces himself as Darkly Zaraz. He says he is a fan of Oort and says it was him singing as a kid in a school choir that he loved. Oort had hated that song and it showed. Oort wonders how he say it. It was broadcast and he got it on bootleg. He says his band has been together for 40 years and has a ton of oldies hits. He feels bad for Oort not having access to music of the universe. They are sent to the Grand Prix. They don’t win, but they are expected to be there. Zaraz makes an offer to save him. Oort wants to accept, but Zarak explains he doesn’t think the humans are sentient and he doesn’t have interest in saving them. He just wants to save him, his offspring and mate can join. Zaraz’s planet is where things are hidden. Oort considers the offer, but declines. Oo joins them offers to take out one of the other competitors. Oort notices Oo is not stuttering like normal. Oo explains there is only one version of him that is willing to make the offer. Oort doesn’t want him to kill anyone, but Zaraz and Oo know that is the only way to be sure. Oort morals cannot let him make that decision to kill another on every human’s behalf. Clippy says they have moved onto the semifinals
29. Capo chases bugs and wanders out to the balcony. A Klavaret singer named Ekali stops by and asks Capo if she is a backup singer. Capo says she is the singer, but the others don’t know it yet. Ekali tells Capo she has come to make her an offer. Capo accepts the offer right away without knowing the price. Ekali wants India and Capo offers it up. Ekali offers an alternative to take out the competition. Capo asks if they can take out the sparkly Yuz. The Klavaret is shocked because they are members of the Octave. Capo tells Ekali to do what they must. Ekali is shocked at Capo’s viciousness and thinks Capo would end them all if she weren’t so lazy. Capo tells the alien it is best to keep mum about it.
30. Sex is universal, but not always for reproduction. Dess ends up in Nessuno’s room with her and Gobo the Azdr. Gobo’s pleasure is quick and comes in a flash of light. It then falls asleep and fades away. Nessuno comes out of the bathroom with a brush. She says they way her species has sex is to brush each other’s hair and then talk about their feelings. Dess brushes her hair and gives her a compliment. She says she didn’t know he was into degradation and asks him to go on. He gives her more compliments. When it comes to the feelings part, he admits he is scared and wishes someone else was there instead of him. He looks at the painting on the wall of a unicorn and admits he wants to be like the innocent creature the humans invented. Nessuno is surprised Dess keeps his feelings on the inside. Smiragity emotions leave a build up in their chest and they have to pass them or they can become toxic. She pulls her feeling stone out and puts it in Dess’ hand. He is overwhelmed with emotion and cannot move. She explains the Alunizars are going broke and can’t seem to get votes. She had to take out some of the lower hanging fruit. When Dess is able to move again, she points the remote at him and presses “mute.” He tries to talk, but no sound comes out. She tells him he was the best she’s ever had and wishes him luck before she leaves. When Oort gets back to the room, no one is there. Their costumes are folded neatly on the bed. On the other end of the bed was women’s clothes and Robert smelling like roses.
31. Everything would have been very different if Dess hadn’t laughed when Mira asked him to marry her. He had no way of knowing that was her solution to keep things safe and the way they were. She didn’t know that he was laughing out of nerves and panic. So she drove off and ended up dying in the car accident.
HEART
32. Dess and Oort watch the various semi-finalist perform from the wings while humanity watched from their devices on Earth. New species go last so they watch everyone go before them. Just before it is their turn, Oort tries to tell Dess they will be okay and to just pretend like Mira is there with them. Port asks where he was all day and why he is being so quiet. Dess points to his throat and tries to tell him his voice has been muted, but he still can’t speak. Oort tells him to just do his thing and starts walking out on stage.
33. Dess tries to sing as hard as he can in hopes if he tries hard enough, he would blow out the mute. Oort starts playing his perfect sounding music and can’t understand why Dess isn’t singing. When he realizes what is going on and they are all going to die, he knows he has to sing something. He sings the only song that comes to his head: “I Came an upon A Midnight Clear.”
34. Oo and the Roadrunner watch from the jury box. It is going worse for the humans than they had expected. Oo wants to alter the timeline, but the Roadrunner insists they do not cheat by interfering. Closurt Avatar 9 watches as Oo disappears.
35. Dess continues to strain himself trying to sing. He gives up and wishes he could make it right and Mira could be with them. Dark clouds come along. Something starts pulling at Dess and his heartburn gets worse. He sees a blue bird and sees his love child born. A voice bursts out that sunny quite his or his babies yells out. The Roadrunner runs after her baby. Mouths open in the clouds. Wormholes come to feast, but instead are singing. He picks up his love child into his hand and names it Marvin. The delivery has released his voice. He wishes he could have gotten a note in before they are destroyed. Mira’s voice comes from behind him to get him going. Dess thinks it is the Roadrunner, but he and Oort are shocked to find it really is Mira. Oo had gone to her right after their last perfect gig. She yells out their band name and they go to play “everything just gets so fucked up sometimes” with the baby and wormholes singing along with them. The arena is silent for a moment before the cheers start.
36. A door opens and Oort is reunited with his daughters. Dess goes to see his Nani. As Dess and Mira play with the baby bird on the beach, Oo wonders if Mira would mind being in a paradox box where she can write music rather than being dead and if Dess would be interested in becoming a space captain. The humans celebrate their ability to continue existing.